Hello, my name is Nicolas Millan, and I was recently invited to "see the baby." You know what I'm talking about - hell, you've made up a laundry list of excuses just to get out of it. You've even gone so far as to plan dentist appointments on the day of. The story is always the same: friend has baby, due to overbearing responsibility gets deserted by other friends, new parent wants to bring friends down with him/her. Inexcusable.

The phone will ring, or in my case, I'll get a MySpace comment from a friend saying, "Yeah yeah, everything is just great - listen, when are you coming to see the baby?"

Gulp.

Trapped like a rat, alone in the corner of the snake pit thinking there's a possibility of a more hopeful, snakeless tomorrow, you'll utter a meek, "Soon, yeah, we'll get together." Not me. I just don't answer. Why? Is it because I subconsciously reduce interpersonal relationships to sheer awkwardness even more than Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm? Probably. The clearer answer is I just don't wanna see the baby. I've no interest in it.

I know this behavior isn't uncommon. It must be rooted somewhere in the fabric of humanity. People should be aware of this; they shouldn't invite those who don't care to "see the baby." I mean, those who are invited are granted a "get out of jail free" card for the rest of their lives, and that's fine. But I want nothing of the sort, and they should placate me. Hell, it's probably even in the Geneva Convention in the fine print section reading "Dude, come on, don't annoy your friends with seeing the baby."

It's not so much that I don't want to see the pride and joy your human existence, it's just that babies don't entertain me. They're either sleeping, puking, crapping, crying, or bulging their eyes at an eerily disproportionate size to their heads - it's scary shit. Besides, if I showed up at the door saying, "Hi, I'm here to see the baby," it would literally be a 2.5 second encounter. Mathematically speaking, no amount of driving, walking, or peddling would make the effort worth it. Email me a picture or something and I might look at it at some point. But seriously, do I have to be there?

Even the language of the phrase "seeing the baby" bothers me. See the baby. Come see the baby. I'm sure the baby wouldn't appreciate feeling like an artifact in a museum no person paid admission for. You might as well put your child in a glass box and type up a 250-word description in Times New Roman font at the foot of his box and place him in the MoMA. That way, everyone would seeeeeeeee the baby.

So I urge you, don't be that parent that annoys others to "see the baby." If you have a baby, love it, and love it like it's the only thing that matters. Your child isn't a smiley face at Walmart begging for eyes. Does it really want me ogling and admiring? Your child is your creature and your accomplishment to humanity. And besides, I can't make it because I have a dentist appointment that day.